Anger
Anger is a natural human emotion that can be observed even in the youngest of children. It is probably the most powerful of emotions and is designed to prepare us for “fight or flight.” The accompanying release of adrenaline causes hearts to beat faster, blood pressure to increase, eyes to dilate, palms to sweat, and the muscles to prepare for sudden, forceful action.
Anger is also a secondary emotion. Another emotion is always necessary before anger can be aroused. The primary emotion may only occur for a fleeting instant, but it must always be there for anger to be triggered. Three emotions that underlie anger in most, if not all cases, are hurt, fear, and injustice. Learning to control one’s anger involves learning how to handle these three primary emotions.
The first step in controlling anger is to admit that you are angry. Anger is typically denied as long as possible because it is socially unacceptable to be angry. While the relatively recent emphasis on venting all anger has lessened the social stigma, unexpressed anger still underlies much of the depression, anxiety, tension, and other physical disorders which plague people living in modern society. Emotions tend to increase in strength when they go unacknowledged. Admitting you are angry soon after experiencing the anger allows you to more easily deal with this powerful and potentially dangerous emotion.
Once we admit to ourselves that we are angry, we can take the next step and look for the hurt, fear or injustice which underlies our anger. Finding the primary emotion underlying our anger allows us to identify those actions or attitudes which effectively deal with the source of our anger rather than merely masking symptoms or temporarily alleviating the intensity of our anger.
Every emotion is based on a perception of what has happened to us. In other words, what we believe about what happens determines how we feel about what happens. This is a key concept in learning to deal with the primary emotions which lead to our anger.
In order to act appropriately once we have admitted to ourselves that we are angry and have identified the primary emotions underlying our anger, we must consider whether or not our perception causing the primary emotion is accurate. Often, challenging our perception of an event is enough to change the primary emotion and thus completely defuse our anger. At other times, merely identifying our primary emotions makes other solutions to the anger evoking events more obvious. Either way, we lessen the intensity of our emotions (when necessary or desirable) to allow us to act calmly and with forethought.
Anger does not have to be destructive. Used wisely, the energy of our anger can greatly improve our day to day lives.
Anxiety Disorders
Definition:
Anxiety is a common reaction to changes or demands in everyday life. It protects us from many dangers, heightens our alertness and prepares our bodies for action. But anxiety is not normal when it becomes unusually intense or overwhelming and interferes with daily living. Such anxiety disorders point to inappropriately learned behavior, unconscious (or even conscious) conflicts, and sometimes to chemical imbalances.
Symptoms:
Shortness of breath or feeling smothered, dizziness/faintness, accelerated heart rate, shakiness, sweating, choking, nausea and other abdominal distress, numbness or tingling, flushes or chills, and chest pain or discomfort are all reliable indicators of anxiety. Severity can range from mildly disturbing to almost totally disabling. More specific and severe symptoms include:
· Unreasonable terror, dread, or panic of specific situations, people, or objects (Simple Phobia)
· Repetitious and unwanted thoughts and/or behaviors (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
· Recurrent and intrusive thoughts, dreams, or acting out of past events (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
· Unreasonable and unpredictable fear about several life circumstances (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
Treatment:
Anxiety disorders are among the most common and most successfully treated mental health problems. Pyschotherapeutic approaches alone or in combination with medications will successfully relieve most anxiety disorders. Depending on the type and severity of symptoms, outpatient therapy, more intensive day treatment, or even hospitalization can be used in helping people recover.
Recovery:
Recovery begins with identifying and facing our fears. Our fears are real and they will not go away simply by wishing them away. Our imagination usually exaggerates our fears and facing them brings them down to more manageable proportions.
Recovery continues with examining the source of our fears. Sometimes our past experiences have led us to unreasonable conclusions about our safety or comfort and reviewing our past can provide valuable clues on how we might better cope with the things which are most frightening to us now.
The third step in recovery from our fears involves substituting more appropriate thoughts for those which spring from our experiences and overwhelm today’s hope with yesterday’s disappointment.
Finally, careful and continual practice of the first three steps allow us to experience greater peace in our day to day lives.
Codependency
Codependency is the attempt to control one’s internal feelings by manipulating one’s external environment. Whether through control of others, compulsive behaviors, or possession of things, codependent people feel empty inside and seek to fill this void with the very things which perpetually create deeper emptiness.
Codependency has many faces. Those codependent on others are haunted by the belief that their happiness depends on someone else acting the way they wish them to act. Conversely, unhappiness, they feel, is the result of their partner doing the wrong thing. Sometimes codependent people deceive themselves into thinking that others will do what they want if they just act the right way. Relational codependents frequently find themselves in the “rescuer” role, attempting to save others while ignoring their own needs and desires.
Those codependent on behaviors look for fulfillment in work, alcohol or drug use, viewing pornography or other sexual addictions, eating disorders, excessive neatness or orderliness, and other such compulsions. While participating in these activities brings temporary relief, the obvious life imbalance and their awareness of the unusual nature of their actions causes further pain which then causes one to seek further relief. Thus, a vicious cycle is established whereby the activities which bring relief further fuel the need for relief and result in uncontrolled repetition of behaviors.
Those codependent on things look for fulfillment through possession. They believe that the secret to fulfillment is owning a better house, car, boat, stereo system, jewelry, clothes, etc. Acquiring something new and better brings only a momentary sense of fulfillment. Soon the emptiness returns with the first scratch, dent, tarnish, or release of a new and improved version of what the codependent owns. The lie of “I’ll be happy when I get …” continues unchallenged as happiness seems always to be only one possession away.
Recovery from codependency involves exploring and accepting the pain which the codependent seeks to avoid. While several “authorities” might encourage you to forget about the hurts you have experienced and just “get on with it”, a thorough inventory of where you have been provides necessary information to discover problematic patterns and suggest appropriate changes. Codependent people already have strong denial systems and don’t need the encouragement from others to continue living in their fantasy worlds.
Careful scrutiny and acceptance of one’s pain eventually leads through grief to new self-perceptions and experiences. Developing new personal boundaries and taking the risk of building open relationships leads to a more satisfying and fulfilling life.
Eating Disorders
Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia are two of the most common eating disorders. Both result in self-induced starvation and both require extensive, professional help to overcome.
Victims of anorexia nervosa continue perceiving themselves as fat despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. They limit their intake, often through elaborate rituals or limitations on the types of foods they eat even though their family encourages or insists that they eat more. Anorexics frequently use extensive exercise to bring their body shape more into line with their distorted ideal image. They also frequently use laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, and excessive coffee as weight loss aids.
Bulimia is more frequent and less noticeable than anorexia. Bulimics go through cycles of binging and purging, taking in large quantities of food, often high caloric foods, and then eliminating them through regurgitation or the use of laxatives and diuretics. Typically not as thin as anorexics, bulimics often feel dominated by their disease and desperately seek help.
Control is a central issue for all those with eating disorders. Anorexics typically allow others to control them. They then find satisfaction by substituting control of their eating for the satisfaction which should come through mastering far more important areas of their lives. Growing up as well-behaved and submissive children of good, directed, and ambitious parents, anorexics never developed a sense of independence or self-determination.
Bulimics, on the other hand, use their eating as a way of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. They “eat” their emotions with their food and then expel their emotions while also purging themselves of their food. The resulting guilt gives them more to stuff and so the cycle continues.
Long term physical symptoms include tooth decay or loss, brain shrinkage, poor hair texture or hair loss, poor complexion, cessation of menstruation, skin dryness, abdominal pain, heart shrinkage, depression, muscle weakness or spasms, electrolyte imbalances, kidney problems, and sometimes, death.
Treatment for an eating disorder may begin with a confrontation in which family and/or friends present their concerns in a loving and supportive way. Treatment only becomes more difficult and prospects for success decrease the longer an eating disorder goes untreated. Hospitalization may be necessary at the beginning of treatment to safeguard the well-being of the patient and monitor food intake. Victims of eating disorders have become masters at deception and denial while perhaps even deceiving themselves into thinking that they don’t have much of a problem. When possible, the whole family (or at least the parents) should be involved in therapy.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is choosing to endure the pain caused by someone else without requiring them to suffer on our behalf for what they have done to us. It is one of three options we have when someone has wronged us in any significant kind of way. We cannot demand forgiveness for ourselves, nor can others demand it of us. Forgiveness can only be offered by the one who has endured the wrong.
Sometimes we would like to seek revenge on those who have hurt us. Somehow, we become convinced that hurting the person who hurt us will in some way diminish our pain. But such bitterness only helps us ignore the pain for a short time. Revenge temporarily distracts us from our pain but does nothing to actually alleviate the pain. Instead of helping, hurting someone back ends up causing us deeper pain by adding guilt to the pain we already feel.
A second common response which prevents us from forgiving others is to wallow in self-pity. Self-pity allows us to blame others for what we rightfully suspect is our own fault. Self-pity goes beyond the actual hurt inflicted by another and serves as an excuse for our own irresponsibility. Like bitterness or revenge, self-pity actually intensifies our pain rather than limiting or ending it.
Forgiveness means we must first accept that we have been wronged and there is nothing we can do to change that fact. This means that our lives will somehow be more difficult for us than they would have otherwise been without the offense. We will not seek to justify, understand, or explain away the fact that our lives have been changed by the cruel actions of another person.
Second, we must accept that time alone will not heal our wounds. “Forgive and forget” is common advice, but the emphasis is usually on the “forget”. No one likes to be confronted with the fact that they have caused someone else harm. No one likes confronting another with the fact that they have been harmed. Yet such confrontation is usually necessary for true healing to take place and for relationships to be restored. Even if the other person does not respond well to our confrontation, at least we have the satisfaction that we have done all we can to end the pain they have caused us.
Third, we accept the fact that even though our lives are more difficult because of what has been done to us, we can still salvage and enjoy whatever is left. Living with bitterness or self-pity only surrenders whatever fulfillment we could still have. We accept the reality that life will not be all we wanted it to be, but we still have the possibility, and perhaps even the responsibility, to live life to the fullest possible extent despite the harm others have caused us.
Forgiveness is necessary when you want to live life honestly, acknowledging the ways others have harmed you, but also looking forward to making the most possible out of life.
Marriage Roles
Many couples today rebel at the notion of marital roles. Talk about marital roles has been unfairly characterized as “the husband does as he pleases and the wife does as he pleases too.” This characterization, while perhaps “traditional”, does not reflect Christian roles for husbands and wives. Rather, a proper understanding of the Biblical concepts of headship and helper also requires a proper understanding of the Biblical definitions for these roles. While space limits a complete exploration of these concepts here, the following summary is offered as a basis for further study and discussion.
The Biblical definition of headship involves love, sacrifice, preservation of holiness, and financial support (Eph. 5:21-33). In other words, as head, the husband bears ultimate responsibility for building and maintaining a healthy atmosphere in the home. The husband’s primary consideration, if he is to be head in the Biblical sense, is what best advances the life and spirituality of his family. Rather than demanding the service of his family, giving ultimatums, self-serving directives and commands, the godly husband follows Christ’s example of headship by serving those whom he heads and sacrificing himself and his desires for the sake of his wife and family. This concept has been summarized by the words, “servant-leadership.” Common failures/abuses of this headship role include irresponsibility (withholding time and money from family to indulge his own desires) emotional detachment (unwillingness to intimately communicate emotions as well as logic), assumption of dictator status (demanding service and control rather than demonstrating sacrifice), workaholism (making work more important than family, perhaps even using family as an excuse for work), and lack of spiritual direction (failure to provide a spiritual perspective on life).
The wife’s role, on the other hand, is to respond to the loving and sacrificial leadership of her husband and help him to faithfully fulfill his role in managing his family, work, church, and community responsibilities. The Biblical concept of “helper” (Gen. 2:18) used to describe a husband’s need of his wife does not mean or even imply, subservient. In fact, God uses the same word (ezer) to describe Himself as our helper (Psalm 33:20 and fourteen others). The role of a wife is not to just do anything her husband tells her to do. In fact, a true helper may sometimes find herself in conflict with her husband and must then consider how far she can in good conscience go in pressing her point. The key concern must be in helping her husband accomplish God’s work, not merely in establishing her husband’s will. Thus, it is clear that wives are not free from responsibilities in discerning God’s will or in seeking righteousness on her own. However, when there is consistent evidence that her husband is demonstrating loving, sacrificial leadership in establishing God’s work, submission to her husband’s desires for the good of the family should not become an issue. When a husband refuses to exercise servant-leadership and instead acts in a self-serving manner, his wife may wish to involve the designated leadership of her church in instructing her husband in the concepts and practice of servant-leadership.
Using Biblical terms without their Biblical meanings is ignorance at best. At worst, such dishonesty can only be used in degrading half the human race. Those who would encourage wives to follow ungodly directions just because the directions come from their husbands perpetuate misunderstandings of God’s design and ultimately encourage rebellion against God. Properly understood, marital roles honor both husbands and wives without making either of them slave to the other.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Definition:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a collection of symptoms people often develop following extraordinarily stressful events such as rape, murder, war, domestic abuse, accidents, natural disasters (earthquakes, tornadoes, fires, etc.), and abortion. While some people quickly recover and are seemingly never bothered again, others find that their lives have been forever changed by their experiences. It is also common for some to think that they have adjusted to their experiences only to have symptoms reoccur years after the initial trauma.
Symptoms:
Common symptoms of PTSD include: persistent and intrusive thoughts, memories, dreams, or reliving experiences; avoidance of meaningful social contact; increased irritability, difficulty in concentrating or sleeping, constant guardedness toward potential threats, and jumpiness or exaggerated responses to any events that resemble an aspect of the original trauma (such as a woman who breaks into a sweat every time she gets on an elevator after having been assaulted in one).
People with PTSD often report that nothing happening in their lives today can ever compare in importance to what they have gone through in the past. This chain to the past creates other difficulties associated with PTSD, including chronic employment instability, multiple marriages and divorces, increased passivity, drug and alcohol abuse, depression, and anxiety. They also after remain “trapped in time”, constantly looking for some way of escaping a traumatic past event.
Causes:
Several factors determine whether or not one develops PTSD after experiencing a traumatic event. Severity and duration of trauma is important, but not as important as the individual’s perspective on the event (including whether the person was an observer, participant, or perpetrator), one’s pre-existing ability to cope with difficult situations, and social support after the trauma. Immediate debriefing and the willingness of one’s family and friends to discuss the event (no matter how horrifying this is for those who have to listen) is important in determining whether or not someone develops PTSD.
Treatment:
Individual and family psychotherapy can be helpful in rebuilding a person’s since of competence, self-control, integrity, personal accountability and willingness to enter into meaningful relationships. Rap or peer support groups help individuals with PTSD discover that their emotional responses and attempts to adjust to life are similar to those of others and that they are not unique in their survival, worth, or guilt. Some medications are also available to control symptoms of PTSD and allow affected persons to live more normal lives.
Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is as old as the human race. While parents dream of brothers and sisters who are best friends, supporting and defending each other, sharing secrets together, and always enjoying each other, reality proves itself differently. Sibling rivalry is the jealousy and competition that naturally builds between family members when parents fail to take specific steps to reduce such friction.
Sibling rivalry stems from three basic motivations: desire for attention, desire for power, and desire for ownership. While each child desires all of both parents’ attention, settling for a perceived equal amount is impossible because each child perceives him/herself to be cheated. Personal power, as with adults, creates tension through comparison as measured by all the “ests”, i.e. prettiest, strongest, smartest, etc. And ownership rights are easily blurred as toys, clothes, games, and other items are passed on to each child in succession.
While all this points to a terribly bleak picture, it is also comforting to know that a parent can do many things to ease the tensions which so naturally build in a family.
First, parents need to spend time individually with each child. Whether you develop the tradition of eating breakfast out once a week, each week with a different child, or taking a walk or bike ride through the local forest preserve with a different child each time, parents need to spend time alone with each child. Family times, everyone together, are also important, but nothing can replace the feeling one gets when mom or dad are there with each child alone.
Second, comparisons between children should be avoided at all costs. The easiest traps to fall into are comparison about physical characteristics, intelligence, and athletic ability. Parents need to communicate love for each child as they are, giving each praise and criticism when appropriate or necessary.
Third, reinforce the idea that respect for each others’ property is necessary for each family member without any favoritism being shown. If one family member wishes to use another’s baseball mitt, common courtesy dictates that you ask before using it. If one family member breaks or looses another’s favorite toy, its only fair that he/she replaces it.
Finally, parents must also learn to ignore some of the fighting and arguing that goes on. Stepping in only when necessary to maintain respect and safety, parents should otherwise allow siblings to solve their own problems and thus gain valuable experience in how to get along in the world with others.
Sibling rivalry is inevitable, but it can also be maintained at healthy, manageable levels.
Stinkin’ Thinkin’
Every emotion we have is directly related to what we believe about the situation we blame for our emotion. Changing our beliefs about the situation will thus change our emotions. The ability to choose our beliefs ultimately gives us complete control over our emotions. One piece of choosing our beliefs is recognizing how our beliefs become distorted in the first place. Aaron T. Beck has identified the following cognitive distortions:
Arbitrary Inference–These thoughts are unrelated or contradictory to the evidence at hand. Obsessed with “there must be some truth to it since I thought it”, one sets out to confirm a thought which doesn’t deserve consideration at all. An example of such an arbitrary inference is the man who is greeted at the door by his wife at the end of the day and suddenly thinks, “She doesn’t love me at all.”
Selective Abstraction–These thoughts focus on minor details and cause one to mistrust or ignore far more relevant information. An example of such thought is when a wife concludes her husband doesn’t even notice her because he only remarked about how nice she looks but didn’t say anything about her new hair cut.
Overgeneralization–These thoughts involve the formulation of broad rules based on isolated incidents. An example of overgeneralization is “my ex-husband cheated on me so all men are creeps just like he is.”
Magnification & Minimization–These thoughts involve making far more or less out of a situation than is warranted. An example of magnification is “my wife ruined our new tires by scuffing the sidewalls on the curb!” An example of minimization is “its just a set of tires!” even though they cost $600.
Personalization–These thoughts involve attributing personal responsibility or relevance to an unrelated event. An example of personalization is seeing a supervisor walking doe the hallway with a scowl on his/her face and thinking, “I must have really screwed up!” even though he/she hasn’t said anything about a mistake and you can’t think of a mistake you’ve made that would be such a disappointment.
Dichotomous Thinking–These thoughts involve extremes without recognition of gradations between extremes. An example of such thinking is “I’m either the best manager in this company or I’m nothing to this company.”
Recognizing these cognitive distortions allows you to restore a more complete and accurate perspective on life. This, in turn, allows one to change undesirable emotions to better reflect reality. Therapists can be invaluable in helping you identify cognitive distortions which effect your psychological and emotional health.
Surviving An Affair
Surviving a partner’s affair is one of the most difficult experiences a marriage can encounter. The personal sense of betrayal and the emotional roller coaster resulting from discovering a partner’s affair shakes the very foundations of one’s identity. Yet, it is possible for a marriage to survive if both partners commit themselves to the following tasks:
First, both partners will be afraid to recommit themselves to their marriage. Many couples needlessly forestall reconciling their marriage by ruminating on the question, “Do I really want things to work?” Far better questions to ask are: “What will it take for us to make it? How can we make our marriage last?” A simple change in focus often provides the necessary momentum to help couples recover.
Second, accept that ending the affair needs to happen now. It is not advisable to continue a relationship of any kind after two have been so intimately involved outside their marriages. The unfaithful partner should be prepared to say “Good-bye forever” to the one with whom he/she had the affair. The offended partner must be prepared to deliver such an ultimatum if he/she wishes to reconcile their marriage. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process which cannot be rushed. The sooner one starts, the sooner a sound, rewarding relationship begins to blossom.
Third, get to a good marriage counselor who is prepared to help you explore what it takes to salvage and rebuild your marriage. A good counselor will help both partners deal with issues of repentence and forgiveness, as well as identify previously unmet needs that distanced the partners in the first place.
Fourth, begin meeting each other’s needs now. Couples frequently make the mistake of thinking that time alone will heal their wounds. Other couples think that somehow rehashing the pain will “get it all out” so that they can “feel the love” once more. But actually practicing love toward one another is necessary for the feelings to return. Couples who wait until they feel more love will end up waiting forever. Couples who demonstrate love for each other are amazed at how quickly loving feelings return.
Fifth, expect progress to be hard, painful work. Few people understand the pain of betrayal unless they themselves have gone through it. Yet others often expect the betrayed partner to quickly and easily forgive and forget, sparing them the reality of the partner’s pain. The unfaithful partner typically has difficulty in accepting that trust must be earned through strict accountability, not merely granted.
Finally, throughout the rebuilding process, keep your eyes fixed on your goal: expect your relationship to be better than ever before. The traumatic experience of an affair serves as a wakeup call to both partners. Paying attention to the needs of each other, both partners work at making the relationship what they want it to be rather than just settling for what they can get with little effort.
Affairs do not have to end marriages. People can, and do, learn to trust one another again. The process of rebuilding a marriage is almost invariably more fulfilling than abandoning it and looking for someone else with which to build one’s life. Recommitting oneself to the relationship is frightening, but the ultimate payoff can be well worth whatever the cost.
Ultimate Sex
Nothing raises greater interest, and embarrassment, than sex. While some denigrate sex as nothing more than a “biological function”, others elevate sex as a “mystical cure-all” for every ill. Finding the greatest sexual satisfaction involves improving several aspects of one’s attitude and relationship.
Personal Acceptance:
Sex is God’s idea. By design, everyone has a sexual nature and a prescribed means for expressing that sexual nature. Rejecting one’s sexual nature is tantamount to rejecting God’s design. Accepting that God knew what He was doing in giving us a sexual nature allows us to experience the joy, fulfillment, and pleasure He also intends for us. But going beyond God’s prescribed means for expressing our sexual nature also works against the joy and pleasure He intends. Personal acceptance includes exercising both freedom and self-control in expressing all that we are created to be.
Security:
Sex is best in a secure relationship. By secure, I mean a relationship of absolute fidelity, commitment, and selflessness. Mutual fidelity is essential because a couple having sex only with each other forms a closed system which eliminates several fears commonly associated with sex. Fear blocks spontaneity and freedom, both of which greatly enhance enjoyment of a sexual relationship. Commitment allows both partners to be human, to try new and awkward things without fear that they will be ridiculed or abandoned. And selflessness frees both partners from the fear that anything they do together will in some way harm or humiliate themselves. Security allows for spontaneity, freedom, ingenuity, and self-abandonment — all ingredients of ultimate sex.
Respect:
A respectful relationship is also necessary for the best sex. While some confuse sex with power, seeking to dominate because they really feel powerless, or allowing themselves to be dominated because they really feel useless or unworthy, sex is best when both partners know themselves to be equals. Such mutuality allows for couples to really share their lives and builds the companionship which blends the afterglow of one sexual encounter into the foreplay of the next. In this sense, true companions are constantly making love to one another.
Fun:
People always look forward to repeating a pleasurable experience. While couples rarely agree about how frequently they would like to have sex, I commonly suggest that they have sex whenever either one desires it. A willingness to explore different positions, places, techniques, etc. keeps sex fresh and more interesting. In general, the only limits to variety are what remains respectful of one another. And of course, when the guidelines suggested above are followed, the level of passion, anticipation, and excitement keep sex the standard by which all other fun can be measured.
Ultimate sex is only possible when personal acceptance, security, respect, and fun come together. While bringing all these components together takes a good deal of effort, couples making this investment find their sex to be well worth their efforts. The illusion of satisfying sex based solely on new partners and new frictions keeps many people from ever experiencing what they desire. Ultimate sex includes the whole person, given freely and completely to another, and finding that the other cherishes the gift and reciprocates in kind.
Family Violence
Family Violence is the maltreatment of one family member by another. Whether this maltreatment is physical (slapping, punching, burning, scalding, etc.), sexual (improper touching including, but not limited to, rape or incest), emotional (insults, excessive criticism, threats, etc.) or neglect (inadequate food, medical attention, clothing, shelter, emotional support, etc.), family violence is a serious problem requiring serious solutions.
Any member of the family, young, middle-aged, or old, can be either the victim or perpetrator. People of all ages experience stress and frustration, social isolation, personal insecurity, and poor modeling. But since violence is an inadequate solution to these types of problems, the problems themselves are never solved and the cycle of abuse and violence continues.
Victims perpetuate this cycle through a strict code of silence. They often feel threatened that “daddy will have to leave and then we won’t have any money” or “mommy will have to leave and then there won’t be anyone to take care of you.” The same types of threats are used against spouses or elderly people who depend on the perpetrator. Victims become accustomed to violence and don’t realize that they are being treated wrongly. Shame is also used to blame the victim with, “Well, if you wouldn’t do that I wouldn’t have to be so rough with you.”
Perpetrators continue this cycle by allowing personal shame and guilt to add to their overall frustration level. Combined with a fear of the consequences of seeking help and the personal sense of power and control they derive from being abusive, perpetrators often deny that they are doing anything harmful or wrong.
The first step in breaking the cycle of violence is to break the code of secrecy. While calls to hotlines allow for a fairly anonymous expression of your secret, their main value is in finding additional resources which will help you deal with your situation more completely and permanently. A pastor or priest might offer the same services as a hotline and some might even consider offering longer term help. Shelters provide emergency and temporary housing, allowing you the opportunity to decide what your next step will be. Sometimes it is best to involve the police, particularly when the abusive person in your life is unwilling to leave you alone when you desire for him/her to do so. Counseling is also a great option to consider. Through the services of a competent and caring professional, you and your loved one will be able to identify sources and triggers for violent behavior and ways to end the cycle of abuse.
Family violence can be prevented and/or ended. Early treatment minimizes the painful, personality deforming scars which form when family violence goes unchecked.